I have little tolerance for people in denial that change is inevitable and who do not seek to improve one's attitudes and conditions that cause them unhappiness repeatedly; yet want to waste my time whining about their _______ (insert anything here.)

Yet, they continually whine about it as if they had *no* control of their lives.  I've cut ties with almost everyone in my life who is like that.

Being hearing impaired in the predominantly male field of IT has presented challenges.

Character traits I have nurtured in myself have made me the strong, independent, forward thinking and creative person I am, perhaps because I make no apology for my disability anymore.

Those qualities would be: forthrightness, expediency and dominance. (oh, and a warped sense of humor is essential to maintaining one's sanity too. )



In the mid-1980s Dr. Laurel Glass and Holly Elliot researched the common attributes of a group of people who did well coping with their hearing loss.

The subjects were nominated by various hearing loss groups, who may be in the best position to know who really does a good job of coping on a day-to-day basis.

They found that successful people had three things in common: forthrightness, expediency, and dominance. Let me expound a little here.



The word "forthrightness" means unpretentiousness, open, direct, or straightforward, as opposed to diplomatic, polished, calculating, or shrewd.

The most important expression of this trait is to me,  sharing my hearing loss with others, unabashed and without fear. After all,  I can't make them read my mind or try to second-guess me.

Telling them upfront about my hearing loss and what they can do to facilitate communications is paramount.

When I am not comfortable telling people about my hearing loss, I try various ways of describing it until I find one that I am comfortable with.

I don't like the term "hard of hearing" or the term "hearing impaired"; to me, these terms seem vague, and they fail to describe how to communicate with me.

I might prefer to tell people, "I'm almost deaf. Please look at me when you speak." I believe that phrase works for me, and I am comfortable using it.

I also think that phrase may be particularly appropriate for people who, like me, are unable to communicate in sign language.

"I have blurry hearing. I need you to look at me and speak clearly. Don't shout." It's also important to tell people what they can do to facilitate communications.



Expediency

Expediency often looks like "breaking the rules". Expediency means using something when it is necessary to achieve a specific goal.

This is in contrast to traits like conforming, moralistic, staid, and rule-bound. Expediency is a difficult trait for people, because it tends to go against the behavior that we are often taught from a very early age.


Here's an example of staying in line and waiting your turn. That's something that most of us learn in kindergarten, and we would never think of butting in line ahead of our place. But in some cases, it's the appropriate thing to do.

Suppose you're in a long line at your gate at the airport, and you hear an announcement; you have no idea what the announcement said. You've been standing in that line for twenty minutes, and it's now twenty minutes before your flight is due to depart.

What do you do? In that situation, it is perfectly reasonable to go to the front of the line, get the attention of the clerk, and tell them your situation. Explain that you have a hearing loss (or however you like to explain) and couldn't understand the announcement, but your plane leaves in twenty minutes, and you'd like to know what you should do.

The clerk might very well have been asking for people on that flight to come to the front of the line and get checked in. (This really happened to me at the Reno airport!)

That's just one simple example of how it may be necessary for me to "break the rules" because my needs are different that those of the hearing majority. It's pretty painful the first few times you do it.

But it's not nearly as painful as staying in line while your plane takes off without you!

(That's happened too, when I was younger - like I said, I've actively cultivated these traits in the last ten years.)


Dominance

My third trait of coping well is dominance. That's another one some have trouble with. People have learned to think of dominance as a bad trait that should be avoided. Maybe that's not always true!

Dominance includes traits like assertive, aggressive, stubborn, competitive, and bossy, as opposed to submissive, passive, humble, mild, and accommodating. It's important to walk the fine line that includes both taking care of yourself and respecting others.

The need for assertive behavior as defined by Robert Albetti and Michael L. Emmons in their book "Your Perfect Right" : "Assertive behavior promotes equality in human relationships, enabling us to act on our own best interests, to stand up for ourselves without undue anxiety, to express feelings honestly and comfortably, and to exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others."

Note that the difference between assertive behavior and aggressive behavior is in the phrase "without denying the rights of others".


Aggressive behavior results when one is thinking only of oneself, thus ignoring other people. While people will respect and admire you for assertive behavior, they will dislike and avoid you for aggressive behavior. (Not that I care whether I am well liked.)

I can be aggressive and sometimes make the choice to, particularly in business where I often behave as an agent for change. I seek to be fair and responsible in what I do.